This from TICK TALK TANTALIZERS
by Martin Tickman "Gossipmonger of the Twin Cities"

Annie Nonnamus is a good friend of mine and lives here in Minneapolis. She's two or three years divorced, and dating. I wanted to write about some of her dating experiences in my blog, so we got together for lunch at the Five-Ten Club last week, where I asked her some questions.

Me: Hi Annie. Gosh, it smells like something in here, I can't quite figure it out...

Annie: Old-man-armpit. That's what everyone says. It's from 75 years of grease particles from countless meals, suspended in the air and on walls. But they do have great Juicy Lucys. And this place has been here forever, it used to be a speak-easy back in the day.

Me: You seem to know a lot about it.

Annie: You can read all that off the back of the menu, but I like to toss it out at people sometimes, makes me sound like I know my local history.

Me: Well. Good to know. So let's talk about you for a bit. You seem like a pretty good catch for someone, would you agree?

Annie: [blushing] Well, it's hard to talk about myself in that way. If pressed, I guess I would say... I mean... I'm a real nice person. I'm kind. I help the less fortunate, I'm tidy, I keep a clean house, I'm financially stable, am able to work at a job I love and that pays the bills and...

Me: Sorry to interrupt - let's talk about your job for just a moment. It's kind of a cool career, adding to your special coolability, isn't it? I know you don't talk about it much.

Annie: I do tend to be fairly private, yeah. But yes, my nieces and nephews think I have a pretty awesome job. It's a lot of fun being a toy designer. I've been doing it for a long ti-

Me: WOW, that is SO cool. What an interesting job!

Annie: [demurely] Yes... yes, it's a lot of fun.

Me: And you're financially stable, got your ducks in a row, do you? And I KNOW, because I've been a guest there, that you have a LOVELY log lake home that you refer to as a 'cabin'.

Annie: Well yes, I do co-own that, as well as some other property, with my ex.

Me: WHAT?? You're a property owner?? And surely you don't own a home here in Minneapolis as well, do you? Maybe in the highly desirable Nokomis area??

Annie: Uh, no, much of my house is still owned by the bank, I'm still paying for it. However, it is charming, yes, it is in the highly desirable Nokomis area. It's got skeleton keys and fabulous glass door knobs -

Me: Yeah yeah. Enough about that. So, your potential as a 'long term relationship' date seems really quite amazing. I mean, I would totally snap you up right now if I wasn't already engaged... [clearing throat, low muttering]... monkey's uncle. Anywhoooo.... let's see - d'you have anything bad in the financial closet? Credit card debt? Gambling addiction?

Annie: Nope. None.

Me: You have any bad habits?

Annie: I brush my teeth a lot.

Me: Whatever. Now I recall you told your previous boyfriend that you would be there to support him and his kids, even to the point of helping put them through college. Then... let me check my notes here.. Oh, here we are - he broke up with you right after Christmas two years ago. Basically just dumped you like a pile of trash, is that correct? Like a load of dirty laundry. Did he give a reason?

Annie: Yes, he called me on the phone and said he just couldn't be with anyone. Actually I've pretty well gotten over that, maybe we could just move on here...

Me: I call the shots here missy. Anywho, what kind of stupid-ass reason is that? Sheesh, can you say LOSER?? Okay, let me go through this checklist: You have no kids, but you do love kids, correct? Seems like a win/win sitchy-ashun to me. You gonna eat those fries?

Annie: Help yourself. Yes, I have lots of nieces and nephews that I adore, and they mainly think I'm pretty cool too.

Me: Pet lover?

Annie: Yes. I have a three-legged dog named Mr Alfonso Blackwell: Alf for short, and a darling cat - Miss Vegas Kitty.

Me: Are you a good cook?

Annie: No. Looking at a recipe makes my brain zip off in all kinds of directions. I have to gather it all up, soothe it, tell it, "don't be afraid, just get a little closer, does it say a teaspoon? do we have one of those? what's that about, down there, where there's something about stirring and folding... I don't like it either but we need to do this together."

Me: Yeah yeah, pretty story. Oh well, so you're not all glam in the kitchen, big deal. That's what restaurants are for, right?

Annie: [sighing] Yes. [brightening] Oh, I do make killer chili! It's all made with stuff from cans, which aren't as scary.

Me: Well hey, there's something. And I personally know, because I've known you for many many years, that you're bright, warm, funny, loving, generous to a fault, decently well-read, madly creative, a problem solver, volunteer, love the outdoors, indoors, sunshine, rain, you're cute as heck, not too tall, blah blah blah. I see from my notes that you were just recently dumped by a cowboy? Like a wheelbarrow full of horse turds? A shovel ful of cow spit. Cast off like the busted spur on a boot.

Annie: [wiping away tears, or eyes watering from onion on burger] Pretty much, I guess. But I'm over that now and I really just want to focus on moving forward with my life.

Me: I recall that you moved out of your comfortable home, and into his, at his request. I also recall you were willing to put your house on the market and share all your assets with him.

Annie: Yes I did. Yes I was.

Me: Well, his loss. His immense loss. May he suffer from bunions and boils. You know - I think the fry cook is staring at you, although it's hard to tell which one is the working eye... would you like me to get his number for you?